Choices

Life is full of choices! Every day, all day. And we had a boatload of decisions…planning a wedding, moving to another state, selling a house we just bought, buying a house in another state, giving up friends, quitting a dream (!!) job and find another job 400 miles away. Dealing with one decision like these is stressful and thrilling all at once, but multiple life decisions?!  They all needed dedication and thought – not only what to do, but think about and plan for the consequences of each. Who has time for all that, let alone the energy and brain power to deal with each

of these all at once? I thought I did!!!  Talk about wreak havoc on life: energy, bank account, social life, the scale, my mood…but I kept going.  Every choice has consequences…known, unknown, and unforeseen. And whatever the consequences were, I needed to handle all of them.  The good, the bad and the ugly….sigh….that’s way down the road, right?!

Making choices for me was, sometimes…mostly…at this time, based on emotions. Makes sense since these affected my life, right? And that seemed to take less time and less thought ~ jump!  Ohhhhhh, that was not a good plan looking back.  And somehow I ended up thinking about everyone else: what they wanted and what they expected.  Some of this was voiced to me and some were my assumptions. I didn’t want to hurt or disappoint anyone; I just wanted to make everyone happy. Great intentions….bad direction.

“Life has many ways of testing a person’s will, either by having nothing happen at all or by having everything happen all at once.” ~ Paulo Coelho

I never slowed down. I never stopped to listen to my gut, my heart… to realize what I really wanted in life and with all these things. Thinking about long-term effects and what I wanted to come with all these choices seemed to be too much, just too much work, and I didn’t have nor feel like taking the time to thoroughly think, feel and plan these out. I was fried but didn’t realize it, and I couldn’t stop, I had to get things done.  I didn’t slow down enough to just breathe and listen…to what was important to me.  Sooooo, in making these decisions at once, I had to deal with all the consequences that came with what I chose. Sometimes that sucks! Especially when everything settled down and I was the one to deal with the outcomes. I got really sick from it all. But again, I knew everything was my choice. I made those choices, and I had to deal with whatever came with that.

Everything, again, the good, bad and oh-so-ugly, was mine to deal with. Not just the decisions on the choices I had to make but everything with myself personally ~ all the physical: my body, location, job, house; mental: stress, regret, anger, hurt; and spiritual: thoughts of  ‘is all this really me?’ and ‘is this what I want and need in life?’ were all mine

to deal with when the dust settled.  And I was not ready for what happened. I was in rough shape, and my inner voice decided she was going to come scratching and clawing her way out until I stopped to listen and to breathe and take care of myself.  Realizing what I was dealing with and what caused all my body to essentially give up and rebel helped me understand the consequences of my choices ~  and start choosing things that I really want and need. To be “self-centered”, not selfish, but  realize this is my life and I am the one living it, and centered to the point of where I stop and I listen to my gut and my heart ~ and that little inner voice. She never does lie.